I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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