I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
