a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
