dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
