I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
