my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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