The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
