don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
