I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
