While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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