Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
