Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
