which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
