now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
