happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
