i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
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We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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