I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The Olympian is in my bed
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