I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
