We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
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I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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