you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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