Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The air was thick with penises
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
