Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
