I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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