I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
