when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
