I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
