happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
