She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
