Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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