he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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