I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
