life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
