turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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