Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
