I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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