My underwear smells like fireworks.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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