that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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