we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
