i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
