The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
