By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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