I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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