Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
