the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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