Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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