he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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