My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
