a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I intend to get homeless drunk
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Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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