I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
