I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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