My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
