I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We had to coat check the pizza.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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