Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
