I got her a Nickelback box set.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
