Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sext me about skeletons
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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