I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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