The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
