I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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