I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Semen is not good for contacts.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
